This blog post has been on my heart for a couple of weeks but I haven't known how to start it.
With St. Patricks 🍀 day right around the corner I am reminded of a miracle that didn't happen. 🍀
I am challenged whenever I hear someone say that God doesn't heal everyone, that sometimes God's answers to prayer are "no".
There is not a single scripture to back up that God doesn't provide healing for all who ask. He says that all His promises are "Yes" and "Amen (so be it)". His promises are never "no". In fact we have the most amazing stories both in the old and new testament of all the answers to prayer.
What I have learned is that our prayers need to be that of faith, not wavering.
All of the verses and stories of Jesus when people weren't healed it was because they didn't have faith in His promises.
All this leads me into my story....
🍀 March 17th 🍀 will mark 4 years since we lost a little baby boy at 24 weeks gestation.
This pregnancy was like all the others, WONDERFUL! We could feel baby moving. Kids were very excited to have another sibling and it was life as usual. At 21 weeks I went in for the normal ultrasound and...was told that there was no heartbeat.
This was the first time that fear gripped my heart.
This was the first time that I tears spilled down my face as I lay on the table staring up at the ceiling, trying not to feel alone.
I just couldn't come to terms with the life I had inside of me, that I had just felt moving, being dead. The doctors said that if I didn't naturally miscarry than they would have to remove the baby from me.
I wanted my baby raised from the dead. I know all the stories about Jesus doing it. It took me a couple days to line my head and my heart up with His Word but I did and I went to the cross for healing for my baby.
You have no idea how much I knew He was going to do this. It was in the very depths of my soul. I knew this was going to be a spectacular healing. I mean, I had all these other awesome past healings to remember and praise Him about. I knew this was going to happen!! I didn't even care how "crazy" people looked at me, even people in church, when I told them Jesus was going to raise my baby from the dead. I was that confident
I had an appointment at 23 weeks. The doctors assumed I would miscarry naturally and wanted to follow up. I was excited, I knew that I was going to go in and that they were going to hear a heartbeat!
In preparation for this appointment I placed our babies ultrasound picture on the kitchen wall so we could pray for him as a family. I had all the scriptures written out on the wall too. And in my quiet prayer time the Holy Spirit told me to fast leading up to this appointment. That was my first time in my life I've fasted. It was 3 days, and it was the most spectacular thing ever.
I went into that doctors apt at 23weeks and felt at complete peace. Just a complete, controlled, confident and restful peace. But they didn't hear a heartbeat. And I left still feeling completely at peace. I didn't know the when, but I did know Jesus would heal my baby.
The doctors insisted that at 24 weeks I needed to come in for them to remove the baby. I made the appointment, Anthony let work know he would need the day off, and we arranged for a babysitter for the rest of the crew.
I was still at peace.
On top of that the Holy Spirit told me to not talk to anyone and not to answer the phone for that whole week. So...I didn't.
I thought this was mainly because when I first found out the news I reached out to family who doesn't stand in faith for prayer and that I needed to pull away from them. But....it was more than that.
The day before I went in for the 24week appointment I was upstairs, meditating and praising, fully confident and joyfully expecting the miracle that would happen the next day, when... the phone rang. Caller Id showed that the person calling was a pastor I knew. I picked up the phone, and the Holy Spirit said "NO", but then my head answered back and said, "but...he's a pastor". And I answered the phone.
This person was full of doubt, sadness, and told me the biggest lie I have heard so far. He said that yes, God could bring my baby back to life BUT that it would take really big faith on my part. At that moment my heart sank. His doubt transferred to me....
After hanging up my head started to rationalize and find a way to have this "really big faith" that the pastor said I needed. Now I had less than 24hours to develop this "big" faith in order for my baby to have his life back. This pastor moved my faith in God doing this miracle to it being something that I needed to do when Jesus is very clear that it is only on Him, not our works, only our faith IN HIM.
What a mess disobedience causes.
Just so you know, the bible doesn't say anywhere that we have to have "big faith". All Jesus says is that we are all given the same measure of faith and that if we use even the amount as small as a mustard seed we can have anything we ask according to His will, including the dead raised to life.
But....I put this pastors words above those of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I stepped out of faith and into fear.
March 16th & 17th were the longest, most heartbreaking days of my entire life. And I have had many terrible days. But those were by far the worst. All because of that fear and doubt that was planted in me.
I won't get into the details of the delivery.... we ended up being in the hospital a full day and a half....and my baby didn't come home with me.
One of the best memories that I have from that experience is that when Anthony and I were leaving the hospital, completely physically and emotionally drained, I could actually feel my guardian angel walking with me. In the elevator a cleaning lady paused and said something very brief, about seeing that were weren't alone and that she could feel love surrounding us. It was the first time that I've had someone confirm the supernatural in my presence. 💗
What I learned about prayer:
God's answers are always Yes and Amen, when we come boldly before the thrown and ask in faith according to His Will, His Promises.
God didn't take my babies life.
He also didn't choose to say no to bringing my baby back to life.
I know full well that my fear, doubt, and actions as a result didn't allow the healing to take place. Like all the stories in the bible, my lack of faith, my wavering prevented it.
Remember to grow in His Word daily. Meditate on it day and night. Put His promises above any words of another person, regardless of his or her title. In the end you will only stand before the King of Kinds and Lord of Lords for your faith and actions.
It took me some time to forgive myself and to forgive this pastor.
This experience has strengthened my hugs and heart when it comes to sharing the love of Jesus with everyone. I want everyone to KNOW, truly know and feel, the overwhelming love that I felt during this in whatever situation you may be going through. You are never ever alone. I will stand in the gap for you. And most importantly, Jesus will never leave your or forsake you. Never. 💗
Be Blessed Friends.